Trust and Young People, read to then very end.

So 3 of my kids had an experience this week that had one of the reeling and closing herself off to the rest of the event.  When we talk to teens it’s a constant battle of listening and hearing and being understood more than any other conversational companions.  With just a thoughtless arrangement of words we can accidentally shut our youth down.  Now, we know that perfection 100% of the time is not even a possibility, so what I want to talk about are ways to help create trust, with youth especially.  They have so many more bombardments and trials and expectations placed on them then their parents did roughly 20 years ago.  The social media scene, overly easy access to emotionally destructive media, increased bullying, increased mental illness and suicides.  They need the adults in their lives to be trustworthy, reliable and validating.

I have 4 teenagers and have had to learn to connect with them where they are, not where I want them to be.  My best intentions were not making up for my lack of knowledge of how to allow them to feel validated, heard, loved and appreciated.   This short list of helpful ideas can get you connecting and building a better relationship with the young people in your life.


#1. When you ask your young person a question, watch their eyes.  If they look down, their response is emotional.  Just wait.  Give them time to process before you expect an answer.   This includes little young people.  If you just want them to pick A or B and they look down, be the adult and give them time. If you're patient and kind, they will answer. 

#2 When they tell you something, mirror it back to them. I'm going to give you an example. 
Mom "Hey T, how did practice go today?"
T "It was fine."
Mom"Just fine?  Tell me about it!"
T "Well I had to break up a fight between two of my teammates and then coach came over and asked me what happened and I had to go with him to talk to the two kids since I am captain."
Mom, "You had to break up a FIGHT at practice? How'd it go?"
T "Yeah, it was more annoying than anything.  A and K had been going at it so I had been watching them all practice."
Mom "It was annoying to break up the fight or that they were going at it all practice?"
T: "Both really. Coach was cool about it and told me thank you for being aware of what was going on."
Mom "Wow!"

This was an actually conversation with one of my sons.  4 months before this, I didn't have the skill or knowledge to mirror him back to be able to help him relax and know I was listening to him.   Notice I used his words back to him and I asked another question to get more information or clarify what had been said.  4 months before this I would never had found out about his night until his coach contacted me.

#3 Validate their feelings.  If they are complaining about chores, agree with them.  "Yes, I know it's not your favorite thing to do, mine either. (Hug) We will feel better if we get the job done, and maybe if we work together, we can get it done faster and then have a treat"    This kind of conversation tells them that whatever they are feeling is just fine and teaches them a way to get through the feelings and go onto accomplish the task ahead of them.  This teaches resilience. It is a life skill in desperate need of being taught!


#4 I'm going to tell you right now that this one can be really hard to own.  You HAVE to be in control of yourself.   If you're yelling, it's not them, it's you.  If you're showing up in a way that pushes them away, that's on you.  You HAVE HAVE HAVE to deal with your own garbage, history, old stories etc.  You don't yell at your kids because of their behavior, you yell at them because that's your default habit.   It's time to show up as the adult and develop your self control.


There's nothing perfect about my parenting except a moment here and there when I really get it right. Those little moments are getting more frequent.  That being said, I yelled at my kids last night.  Start implementing 1 thing, and forgive yourself when you don't get it perfect.  Just keep trying. 


I know parenting is hard and we need all the support we can get.  So I am introducing The Joys of Limitless Imperfect Parenting!  This is a 28 day intensive that grounds you in the 4 pillars of parenting.  I'll post a bit more about this later but if you want to get started, then Click here to book an appointment and go to my Facebook page and message me that you want The Joys of Limitless Imperfect Parenting introduction!   Here's to a happy, connected, loving, fun summer!!